Catherine Carmier by Gaines Ernest J

Author:Gaines, Ernest J. [Gaines, Ernest J.]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
ISBN: 9780307830340
Publisher: Vintage
Published: 2012-10-30T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Charlotte had already left for church when Jackson got home. He went into the kitchen and ate, but he ate only a little. When he was through eating and had washed his plate, he came out on the porch again. He sat in the swing and looked at the big house farther down the quarters. Dusk was just setting in, but the trees around the old house made the place look as black as pitch. The emptiness was still in him, and he tried to make it go away by telling himself that all of this was nonsense. He told himself that he could not think of this now. He told himself that there were more important things to think about. He had to think about his future. He had come here for that purpose—not to fall in love. But the emptiness would not leave him, because regardless of whatever else he tried to think about, he could not get her out of his mind.

He sat on the porch a long time, looking at the house farther down the quarters. He wanted to go back down there again; he wanted to see her again; he wanted to see that love for him in her eyes; he wanted to see that little smile again. But he knew he should not even think about it.

When he saw Charlotte and Mary Louise coming home from church, he went inside and lay across the bed. But the emptiness was with him when he got up the next morning, and it was with him all day. He went for a walk along the river, and it was with him there also. I know better, he told himself. I know better. Don’t you see how it is? Don’t you see? I want something, don’t you see? I want to be something, don’t you see? And all you would do is get in my way—block me. Don’t you see that once I’m tied down, it is all over? That I must take what they give to me whether I want to or not?

He picked up pebbles and threw them into the water. He watched the circles get bigger, bigger until they had disappeared. He found that tossing pebbles and watching the circles disappear helped him in his thinking. Yet, it did not solve anything.

That evening he sat on the porch, looking at the house. The sun was just going down, giving everything an orange and purplish color. He felt lonelier than ever before. It is like this with people who are in love. The setting of the sun is the worst time of day.

He could not sit there any longer. He would have to go for a walk. If he did not see her, then he would see the house. He would see the gate; he would see the place where they stood the day before.

His heart pounded in him as he came up even with the house. She was sitting on the porch. She was there alone.

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